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A
dog's dictionary...
LEASH: A
strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person
where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as
the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in
the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have
food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can
and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their
laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet
other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear
end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes
you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors
put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind
legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you
are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and
moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines,
invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit,
you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside
for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and
you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects
dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms
include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction,
or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world
is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms,
so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably,
panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with
paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over
the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes
home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people.
After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and
wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans
drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously
and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command
"sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly
effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention
when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort
when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially
effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection,
given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love
is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
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Obedience
Laughs
 A
Heavenly Obedience Trial
One day in heaven,
Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the dog
kennels watching the dogs laying around..
"I am certainly bored," stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in.
Peter stood and watched the dogs. "I know!" Peter began."Why don't we
have an obedience trial?"
Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail
that Paul pointed out.
"Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.
The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer:
"We will call up Satan and invite him to the obedience trial. I mean,
we have all of the finest dogs here in heaven, all of the National and
Obedience Champions are here. His kennels are filled with the spoiled,
difficult and mean dogs. We are certain to win at the show!" 
And so the trio calls up Satan on the other-realm communication lines
and invited him to their obedience trial. Satan laughed and asked why
they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly
beat them.
Peter, Paul and John did not understand.
"What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked.
"We have all of the National and Obedience Champion dogs in our kennels
in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"
Satan paused a moment and then laughed: "Have you forgotten so soon, gentlemen?"
"I have all the judges!"
There
was a man who had a Border Collie which he was attempting to train with
very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across
a very charismatic evangelist preacher. He unburdened his soul to the
preacher, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he
would have it trained in a jiffy. The next day the man returned, and asked
how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist
called the dog to give a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he threw it
and said, "Fetch." Instantly the dog took off, grabbed the stick and returned.
The evangelist said, "Drop" and the dog dropped the stick at his feet.
"Roll over," and the dog rolled over. By this time the dog's owner was
very excited, and asked if he can have a try. "Sure," replied the evangelist.
"Heel," commanded the owner and the dog lifted one paw, placed it on the
man and said, "I command this sickness to leave you..."
A
dog obedience trialling couple were driving along the freeway on their
way to a dog trial when they were in a car accident, both were killed
and so was their dog. They were met in heaven by Saint Peter and explained
that they were to be married after the dog trial but now they are no longer
with the living, but still wanted to get married and live happily with
their dog. Saint Peter said, "Let me see what I can do ..."
A
year passed and Saint Peter returned and informed them that they now could
get married. Six months later the couple went to the Angel and said, "we're
bored .. we'd now like to do some obedience trialling again with our dog"
Saint Peter said, "It took me a year to find a preacher up here and now
you want me to find an obedience judge!?"
 A
Dog's eye view of Obedience...
HEEL ON
LEAD: Walk as slowly
as you can, then spring forward with all your weight. If your handler
falls flat on his or her face, you score 25 points.
RECALL: When your handler shouts at you,
assume rock deafness. On no account sit in front of your handler, because
he will only make you heel. 25 points if your handler loses his voice.
RETRIEVE the DUMBBELL: On no account fetch
it back, because he will only throw it away again. If he wants the stupid
piece of wood let him fetch it himself, you will be helping to train him
not to throw away things he really wants. 5 points every time the handler
gets the dumbbell.
SIT: Stay one inch away from the ground
at the back end. This builds muscles and makes your rear legs stronger,
which will help you pull your handler down on the Heel on Lead.
CONCLUSION: Do any exercise you choose
perfectly! This will leave your handler thinking that the earlier mistakes
were his fault, and they will take you to training classes week after
week.
 An
Obedience Poem...
Oh darn, I'm dejected, my gosh
but I'm sad,
My obedience dog is driving me MAD!
When we practice at home ... why, he works like a dream,
Puts on a performance that rates high esteem.
His recalls are groovy, he "drops" like a flash,
He "fronts" with precision, what more could I ask?
The high jump he clears with incredible flair,
The dumbbell held high as he soars through the air.
The broad jump's no challenge, he clears it with ease,
As he soars on high just as smug as you please.
On sits and on downs, well ... he's BETTER than steady,
Doesn't move one iota, doesn't sniff or get heady.
But then comes the day that we enter a trial,
He's NON COMPUS MENTUS, completely SENILE!
He bombed on the heeling, the "recall" no better,
And THEN on the "down" he made love to a Setter.
So then as I stand looking grey as a stone,
I utter out loud, "Well, he works great at home."
From the judges' expression, he thinks I'm insane,
For no dog has acted quite so inane.
From this I have come to one brilliant conclusion,
My dog rates first place in the art of illusion.
Author unknown
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"Warn
me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?" "Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a
parrot 'Moses'?" The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people
that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!